


Reverence

by UniversalSatan



Category: Buzzfeed - Fandom, Buzzfeed Unsolved
Genre: Character Development, Let's Not Bring Relativity To The Party, M/M, as much science as i can get, i mean relativity would break both walls just as much as someone could argue but, in how ghosts can maybe work scientifically, mainly just dealing w emotions and relationships, slowburn, this fic was actually lowkey thought of to spite shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-11-02 01:57:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10934601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniversalSatan/pseuds/UniversalSatan
Summary: Shane doesn't believe in ghosts and the paranormal; and why would he, if there's no science backing it up? Seeing is believing... right?AU where they dont actually work for buzzfeed and just 'ghosthunt', to which ryan vlogs about.





	1. Chapter 1...?

**Author's Note:**

> i dont heckin kno what im doing but i wanted to join in this i guess new fandom's fun so yea lol
> 
> also girl character is only here for this chapter and is based on my sister/family so yeah those are irl facts/experiences there for yall

"This is just going to be another wild goose chase, isn't it," Shane commented, staring out his passenger-side window. The sky was dark with rain clouds, and every once in a while a drop of water would land on the windshield.

"This is supposed to be one of the most haunted places in America, Shane," Ryan answered for the millionth time, keeping his eyes directly on the road in front of him.

"That's what you say every time though."

"Not every time," he hesitated, tapping the drivers' wheel impatiently. Shane watched him fidget and unconsciously continue with his habit, only looking back out the window when Ryan stopped.

"How many times have we seen a ghost in these 'most haunted places of America'?"

"There was definitely proof-"

"Zero. Nada. Zilch. Big fat nothing." Ryan didn't seem irritated at his comment, yet rather pitifully at a loss of what to say. "I'm teasing you. You can believe in whatever you want, 'tis a free country."

Ryan smiled a bit: "Don't patronize me."

"So... scary abandoned hospital this time?"

"Yeah. On the outskirts of town but still relatively isolated."

"And we're sleeping there."

"Yeah."

Just a few days before, Ryan had texted Shane again with another 'haunted' area he had found and wanted to scope out. Ryan had been doing this since they were students together in uni: convincing Shane to tag along because he didn't have the guts or stupidity to do it alone. Not like this was stupid enough, from Ryan's point of view. The only dangers in Shane's eyes were crumbling buildings and weird poisonous bugs.

Ryan had also started to carry his camera around and somewhat narrated his experience with Shane, posting the final videos to his blog that was already steadily growing in popularity. In fact, his camera was currently sitting on Shane's lap, waiting to be used at Ryan's request.

"We're here," Ryan stated, parking the car under a tree. The hospital itself wasn't too large, but all of the windows were mostly boarded up.

"Are you sure you didn't just pick this because it was the first abandoned building you saw on the side of the road?"

"I have all of its history," Ryan grinned, holding up his phone, "And different encounter stories. I'll explain them when we're inside."

"Perfect weather, huh?" Shane squinted at the sky, zipping up his rain jacket and pulling an umbrella from his bag. He hauled both that bag and his sleeping bag over his shoulder as he opened his umbrella.

"Dude, you even brought that?"

"Doesn't hurt to be prepared," he winked, twirling the umbrella and flicking bits of rain on Ryan's face.

"The rain should hopefully stop in an hour - or at least that's what the weather forecast said."

They both trudged inside the building, sliding in through the front doors that one would wonder how they still stood on their hinges. Shane fiddled with Ryan's camera, balancing his bags and umbrella somehow.

"We're inside now, you don't have to worry about your umbrella," Ryan pointed out, turning on some flashlights.

"I heard that it's bad luck to have an umbrella open inside."

"Shane, no."

"Maybe all the lil ghosties will come and tear my face off if I leave it open. That oughtta be good content for all your viewers out there."

"Shane, we literally just stepped into the building," Ryan rubbed his face. He seemed extremely tired already. "Plus I can't have you breaking the camera or you're paying for it. You can sleep under your umbrella tonight or something, I dunno."

Begrudgingly, Shane put his umbrella away and took the flashlight his friend was offering him. Both trekked into the depths of the hospital, Ryan explaining the history of the building to the camera as they were walking. Shane could tell Ryan was beginning to become unnerved as they ventured deeper. As per usual, he made witty comments about Ryan's commentary as Ryan laughed with him, but he also kept an eye out for his friend's well-being. As much as he enjoyed teasing him, Shane would never push him to the point of anxiety and actually would remove him himself from that situation.

"So the ER is _not_ the most haunted place?"

"No," Ryan explained as they began their way up a flight of stairs, "Since this hospital was still in use up until relatively recently-"

"Why did they close down?"

"Bankruptcy."

"Is the treasury the most haunted place in this hospital then?" Ryan began laughing at Shane's comment, who tried to keep his tone as level as possible. " _Ooh, I'm the scary ghost of the hospital money uwoooooo..._ "

"Do you think they'll come out if I leave an offer? I think I have $5 somewhere," Ryan rummaged in his pocket jokingly.

"Some people say if they graffiti the walls or inflict any damage his ghost will appear and demand for damage fees."

"In all seriousness though, since the building was in use up until about the 80s- ah, shit! Jesus christ, that fucking scared me," Ryan leaned against the wall beside him, hand over his chest. He had taken a wrong step, and with loud snapping and cracking noises, had accidentally made a part of the staircase cave in.

"You better watch out, Ryan, cause the scary ol' money ghost Big Bucks is after you now - better start racking up that cash."

"Jeez, I could've died there. Almost gave me a heart attack. Not like this place isn't creepy enough as it is."

"What were you saying about the 80s though?" Shane continued, stepping over the new gap in the stairs.

"Oh, er, yeah," Ryan checked his phone as he made his way to another set of stairs, "This hospital also had a psych ward, which a lot of people claim to see apparitions or hear voices. We can go check that out right here." They stopped a sketchy-looking door, and Ryan hesitantly pressed his way inside.

The ward itself was falling apart, with damage that seemed like it had been there before the hospital had even closed down. There were still bright colours painted on the walls, as if they had been put there to somehow mentally calm its patients.

"Mentally ill people aren't really that horrible," Shane commented, shining his flashlight across the room, eerie shadows looming unexpectedly from its light, "It'd be rude to them to call the place haunted just because they were here a long time ago. Did any people even die here?"

"A few, most when this ward first opened up. How about we turn off our flashlights and be quiet for... say... 2 minutes, and see if anything happens."

"Alright, lights out. Ghosts - if yall are out there - feel free to... pat me on the back or bite my head off, whatever you fancy."

"Quiet. I'm starting to hate this idea more and more so if you don't shut up-"

"2 minutes, gotcha."

They stood in complete and utter silence for the first minute. The rain had evidently stopped at some point, however, the wind would find its way to make noise in the room they were in anyhow. The building creaked a few times, and Shane watched Ryan shudder uncomfortably every time the building did so.

It wasn't until about a minute and a half in that they heard distant laughter ringing out into the night. Admittedly, Shane's heart started beating slightly louder, but Ryan's hand had jumped up over his mouth to keep himself quiet for the rest of the 30 seconds. The laughter itself didn't seem intimidating, yet there was nothing else once it was done that suggested where it came from. Perhaps not the ward, but definitely somewhere underneath them in the hospital.

"Please fucking tell me we're done." Ryan's eyes were wide and his whole body tense in an effort not to freak out.

"Yeah, we're done," Shane announced, and heard a sigh of relief from Ryan.

"What the fuck dude, you heard that, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Probably just the wind-"

"The wind my ass; wind doesn't sound like that."

"How do you know?"

"At least we can replay the audio later. Not here - when I'm back home editing it."

"Sure, try and prove it to me then."

"You're hopeless," Ryan rolled his eyes, turning to leave the room quickly. "However, surprisingly, this is not the most haunted area of the hospital. That would be the sanatorium."

"Of course. Suffering people who probably actually died there."

"Exactly. You might think they would be kept in the basement or something similarly as sinister, that being said, they actually kept them on the highest floor of the hospital. There have been many interesting cases of death and illness that have happened here."

"And this is where we're sleeping?"

"Unfortunately."

As they made their way up, Ryan explained a few of the most peculiar cases. The ward itself seemed to be open and would have been pleasant, nevertheless, at this point it was nothing short of creepy. Some old chairs stood helplessly against walls, and the wallpaper was well faded and peeling to reveal a similar cement colour of that on the floor. Both Ryan and Shane set their things down and got ready for the night.

"Man; and I have to do this after hearing the laughter."

"What, scared already? Before we get down to the sleeping part?" Shane taunted him.

"No. I can do this." Ryan slid into his sleeping bag and rolled over to get himself into a more comfortable position, "Are you actually using that umbrella as I said earlier?"

"Gotta be forever cautious about falling debris. You never know what old hospital ceilings may have living inside of them."

They chatted a bit more with the camera off; going on wild, mumbled topics as they drifted off to sleep. Shane only woke up when Ryan was shaking him back awake. Ryan had his glasses back on already and had scooted a lot closer to Shane so that their sleeping bags were touching.

"What the fuck Ryan? You said we didn't need to do updates that many times this time round-" Shane was hastily shushed, and actually closed his mouth to open up his ears.

The creaking was a lot more evident and regular now; just this time, they were definitely footsteps. Shane squinted at the general direction they were probably coming from, and glanced back to his friend, who was about as pale as a ghost himself. The steps stopped for a moment, and then began to get closer to where they were in the sanatorium. Ryan's grip on Shane's arm that he previously hadn't noticed steadily became stronger.

"Hello?" The voice echoed eerily around the empty halls, and Shane could definitely feel nails in his arm now. Ryan was almost hiding behind Shane's umbrella, peeking to see if it had appeared yet. Shane was becoming more and more uncertain about his life choices up until now.

The steps had now stopped around the corner to where the ward was, and both friends were now almost completely paralyzed by fear. Perhaps someone was here to murder both of them after all, Shane thought wearily. He wasn't prepared enough. A shadow peeked around, and yet none of them moved a muscle.

"What the fuck, guys? Where did you go?" The voice knocked Shane back into reality. That was definitely someone well and alive. He leaned towards the voice as if it would help him see who it was. Ryan still seemed to have thought it was a ghost.

The figure finally rounded around the corner, and an extremely thin teenage girl stood in their wake.

"Oh, the fuck?" she muttered, staring at them.

"Ryan, it's alright," Shane murmured to his friend, rubbing his hand gripped to his arm, partially out of comfort, partially out of pain and the need for circulation to return to his limb. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked the girl, voice steady and loud and authoritative.

"I could ask you the same," she spoke back, "I was looking for my friends." Ryan relaxed completely when he realized the girl wasn't, in fact, a ghost.

"We are supposed to be ghost hunting."

"Why sleep here in a dirty old abandoned building to do that?" she seemed amused, "I haven't seen any here."

"What makes you think you'd see them as easily?" Ryan spoke up at last, his voice cracking at first from lack of use.

"I can see them."

"What?" Ryan asked, slightly quieter this time.

"Demons too actually."

"Are you sure?" Shane was extremely skeptical about the newcomer. He sat up in his sleeping bag to talk to the girl properly: "Shouldn't you be getting home now?"

"Again, I could say the same as you."

"Wait, what do you mean by ghosts and demons?" Ryan spoke up, also sitting up.

The girl shrugged, leaning against the wall: "I just see them - mostly only when I'm in bed at night. It's dark now, I suppose I could maybe see them now if they wanted. I mostly started to notice them when I got... sick, but I've seen a few even when I was a lot younger. Inherited it from my dad."

"Sick...?" Shane pried.

"Yeah. Eating disorder... and personality disorder apparently."

"So it's mental illness then," Shane deadpanned.

"No. My dad can only see ghosts and the ones in my dreams, but he's the most sane and level-headed person I know."

"Hold on, why do you see these ghosts just in your house? Why not in haunted areas?" Ryan piped up again, curious.

"They come to me."

"Come to you for what?" Shane laughed.

"I dunno. Ask for deals sometimes. The ghosts. The demons, not so much. I can feel those bad ones have bad intentions but... they haven't done anything to me yet. I've tried to take photos and stuff, but it's always to dark. If I turn on the flashlight they're gone, and when I turn them off again they're back. If I'm watching a video or listening to music or something though and they appear... I always get weird interference though."

"See, I told you it's ghosts," Ryan poked Shane in the side, referring to the time they went to sleep in the Lizzie Borden House. Shane still was not ready to believe anything that was being said at this point.

"Yeah, they might be some sort of electromagnetic radiation - their consciences, I mean," she spoke, noticing Shane's hesitant face, "There was a podcast that my mum showed me on something like that."

"That doesn't sound very reliable," Shane frowned.

"I assure you it is pretty reliable," she continued, "Listen to it yourself if you don't believe me. I think she said it was on CBC... something like 'Decoding Death'? It was about near death experiences."

"Those aren't the same as ghosts."

"It would definitely explain a lot about ghosts scientifically though." No one made an attempt to challenge her on her statement. "My sister also believes in something about them being anywhere between... I think the 4th to 6th dimension? I don't really know much about dimensions, but my sister watched some video about 10 dimensions and now understands it. I dunno."

"Is this the alternative science you were talking about, Ryan," Shane muttered to Ryan teasingly, still not quite ready to believe the girl.

"Shut up, I already told you what I meant about that."

"Okay, but seriously, have you seen any other people around here? I can't find them anywhere," she interrupted them, crossing her arms and balancing back on her own two feet again.

"Where all of you laughing and giggling about something earlier, by any chance? Mr. Ghosts-Are-Definitely-Real over here completely believes it was supernatural."

"Probably," the girl shrugged. Shane was intrigued to note how she didn't seem affected by his anti-ghost attitude considering to her whole spiel earlier about her visions. Instead, she went over to an open window. She must have spotted her friends, because she was suddenly calling to them and waving, gesturing how she'd be down with them soon.

"It was interesting talking to you guys, even though I have no goddamn idea who you are, but I hope you see a ghost or something... whatever you're searching for," she briefed a farewell, already making her way out of the ward.

"Get home safetly!" Shane cupped his hands around his mouth to magnify his voice, the sound echoing around the walls as her brief laughter echoed back.

"Fuck, I actually have so many questions about the ghosts and not to mention demons she mentioned," Ryan spoke again, laying back down and snuggling back into his sleeping bag.

"Well you should have asked her before she left, Mr. Smarty-Pants. Now let's get some shut eye before either of us regret this tomorrow morning."

Ryan was a lot calmer than before, and falling asleep was easier. Just before Shane completely drifted off, he noticed that Ryan hadn't moved back since he scooted right up beside him, and the last thing he thought before he lost conscience completely was that he really didn't mind their closeness anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [buzzfeed unsolved blog](http://unsolvedbs.tumblr.com/)   
>  [writing blog? (updates)](http://celestialberries.tumblr.com/)   
>  [regular tumblr](http://universalsatan.tumblr.com/)


	2. work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot last time but the podcast exists and u can listen to it [here](http://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/decoding-death-the-science-and-significance-of-near-death-experiences-1.3884084) if you so wish

Shane opened up his email, checking to see if there was anything that needed his utmost attention. In reality, he was just using it to mask the fact that he was listening to the podcast that girl had told him about earlier. 

The website itself that it had previously been hosted on and currently resided in did not seem like that much of an unreliable source, as it was a national Canadian sponsored radio. Maybe that girl had driven down or had family from the North. 

The podcast itself was rather difficult for Shane to determine whether or not it was accurate or just wild, spun-on stories that people happened to have guessed by chance. They did have one scientist opposing the topic theory, however, as he had suspected would happen, there was another scientist who was able to rebuttal that idea. As much as the scientific part of their theory tried to enlighten him, he still sat on a more skeptical side of the issue at hand. The idea that they could be electromagnetic waves or radiation seemed the most logical to him that had been mentioned, and decided that he would probably end up keeping a closer eye on Ryan's fancy EMF detector in the future. 

One of his coworkers rolled back in his chair to speak with Shane: "There's another issue in the database, Shane. Jack already is on it but they said they probably need someone like you on the job."

"Got it," he sighed, watching the email notification pop up. Database admin wasn't the main thing he ever really wanted to do in his life, but what else could he even realistically shoot for? Young Shane had aspired to be an astronaut, but once he got into middle school he got rid of any unrealistic thoughts and decided to go for something that he'd be good at. He decided he wasn't made to be an astronaut anyhow.

Perhaps he enjoyed hanging out with Ryan in dangerous situations, watching him freak out and feel some sort of teenage scare thrill that Shane wished he could somehow experience. It's not like there was nothing that scared him, but he didn't see the need to waste energy on being terrified of something that doesn't exist. 

What if he did become a full-time ghost hunter though? Granted, there would be little to no pay and barely anything to be gotten out of it but... just the experience he has already gotten out of it and all the time he has managed to spend time with Ryan already made it seem worth it. Perhaps it was Ryan himself that made it seem worth it.

Tapping enter, he sat back rubbed his face tiredly. Thank god being a database admin meant he could work a lot from his own laptop. Ryan had dragged him away from work so much that working on the go was inevitable, but at least he was sensible enough to only bring him away on weekends. 

There wasn't much else he had to do surprisingly on this Friday evening, so he ended up taking a look at a few videos explaining the 10 or however many dimensions the video presenter decided to explain. Shane had read a bit about them back in high school, but not enough to remember that well.

Shane's cell buzzed in his pocket, surprising him a little. At least the volume wasn't on.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Shane?" It was Ryan. Speak of the devil... or rather, think. 

"Do you even have a job?"

"Er... yeah," Ryan laughed awkwardly, "It's flexible. What, are you still at work or something?"

"Just leaving." Shane stood up as he said so, grabbing his bag and shutting off his computer.

"Oh."

"What did you need?"

"Oh yeah! I found another place." Shane smiled a bit at how eager his friend had sounded.

"Really? How great is it this time?" He could see one of his closest coworkers staring at him as he slowed to leave.

"Real good, I promise. It's a house about a state away - an hour should do. This one is particularly active too - I have a bunch of accounts of seeings."

"Alright, whatever you're happy with."

"I can pick you up on Saturday if you're fine with that, before noon?"

"Okay. I'm leaving now so I can pack up."

"Sounds good."

"Love you, honey," Shane made a face, slightly mockingly, directed to the staring coworker. The coworker turned back to their desk.

"Um, what?"

"Okay, okay, see you then."

"Oh, er, okay," Ryan laughed off, "Love you too then." He didn't seem to have quite caught the tone of sarcasm in Shane's voice.

"Alright, bye-bye." He ended the call as soon as he finished speaking, rushing to check himself out of his job.

The little 'love you' was supposed to be a joke to make his coworker mind his own business, but he didn't quite immediately process the effect that it was being said directly to Ryan. Not like he would care though. They'd been friends since university, of course they've said pretty weird things to each other. 

What really struck Shane was the beat of something that he felt when Ryan played along. Driving back home, he couldn't decide what it had meant, so he just decided to leave it at that and not worry about it.


	3. great

"Hoo boy do I regret this already," Ryan let out a breath, pulling up beside the house he had found the day before.

"You realize you're doing this to yourself. I'm just here for the ride."

"I get it, I get it. Let's just do this thing," Ryan shook his head as he exited his car and went around the back to grab his stuff. Shane followed after him.

"So what do we have here?" Shane asked, shifting his weight as Ryan struggled with the front door. The porch was old and creaky, and the wood boards shifted a little as Shane moved. 

"A few ghosts and a demon I think..."

"So... Sallie House 2.0. Gotcha."

"Similar; and apparently about the same amount of activity."

"Are you sure you're going to be alright? Considering what happened at the Sallie House?" Shane checked. Ryan stared skeptically at Shane and then the camera in his hands. "In case you haven't seen Ryan's video on the Sallie House be sure to check it out," Shane told the camera himself, turning it around to show his face.

"Whatever, man."

"It's great that it's on a nice street though."

"Haha, yeah. Look at all the nice shops and bars across the street."

"Lots of flashy lights. I thought ghosts didn't like lights or something."

"Well, remember what that one other paranormal investigator said... the one we met at the Sallie House."

"Which part?"

"About them feeding on the energy."

"Wasn't that electromagnetic energy?"

"I guess... well... it's some sort of energy maybe," Ryan shrugged, "I brought my EMF detector too so we can probably check if that's what they want."

"You know, all these ghosts really want probably is a really good beer." Ryan started laughing at Shane's comment. "I mean, why else haunt a house right by a strip mall of sorts. You have everything you could possibly want in the afterlife."

"Maybe all they want in the afterlife is a good time."

"Who doesn't," Shane laughed along. 

Ryan finally managed to get the door to open, and it did, rather suddenly. He stumbled a bit, but as soon as he regained balance he gave Shane a spare flashlight. They ventured inside to ditch their stuff in the living room as it was one of the only rooms with a carpet. As soon as they were ready, they took their flashlights, the camera, and Ryan's EMF detector as Ryan gave a sort of a tour of the house and its history.

"Looks like it's going to be especially spooky tonight," Shane pointed out a window, "There's a storm rolling in."

"Perfect," Ryan said sarcastically. It did really push the setting, which Shane didn't mind, but Ryan still seemed just a little more on edge than usual. 

"Think there's going to be lighting?"

"Ghosts and demons are enough for me, thank you very much."

"Maybe it'll give us energy to feed the demon and it'll actually show up-"

"Please not now, dude," Ryan pleaded, "I'll fuckin' shit my pants. Plus we gotta head down to the basement anyways to meet our demon's hole."

"There must have been a better way to phrase that."

"You know what I meant! There was a hole in the last house, for the demon... and now... I guess this one lives in one too..." He was holding open the door to the basement, but Shane shook his head and held it instead.

"Ladies first," he winked, ushering him foreword.

"Jesus, alright," Ryan laughed, cautiously minding his steps as he stepped downwards.

What happened next was almost a blur in Shane's memory, which he could barely piece apart once he thought about the situation later.

There was a loud, booming sound of thunder outside and above them that practically shook the house around them. At that moment, Ryan had been stepping down on what seemed the floor and possibly a puddle, and instantaneously became extremely bright in a way as soon as the thunder sounded above. Not exactly him, but at least the puddle unfortunately situated beneath him.

The event was over before Shane could even begin to process what had happened. He managed to catch his friend's motionless body, however, before it fell to the ground, and desperately in an act of adrenaline dragged him upstairs back on the main landing. 

Everything felt surreal, everything felt like a dream. The loneliness, his friend's complete and utter lack of movement, the sound of wind around the house. He tried thinking as quick as he possibly could of what to do, trying to stay as calm as possible and realizing that anything he did at this exact moment could be an entire difference in the future.

He ripped his phone out of his pocket as fast as he physically could and dialed 911 on an emergency call, letting it go on speaker as he tried performing every bit of medical attention he could use on Ryan at his current state. Shane could barely hear his own voice, but he knew it sounded a lot different than usual. Not quite in despair, yet rather some sort of strangled combination of tranquility and panic. The caller attendant managed to be somewhat helpful in assuring help was on the way as soon as possible.

It seemed that emergency services took forever to come, as Ryan's body was now pretty damn lifeless just lying there on Shane's lap. Shane was grateful for professionals to take over and figure out what to do, but the release of responsibility left him unsure of what to do and doubled his nerves over. As they were starting to bring Ryan to the ambulance, Shane went to get the rest of their belongings as he requested to ride in the ambulance with his friend.

Nothing could pull him out of his weird trance he had kind of entered. Shane sat down inside the ambulance, watching the paramedics work furiously to... keep Ryan alive? He already seemed past that point at the moment. Shane quickly stepped back into unknowing just to give himself a little bit of hope. 

Ryan hadn't moved once throughout their trip, yet the paramedics didn't stop once. They kept on working until they had to roll him out into the hospital. Shane had been fidgeting with his hands so much he could've possibly broken a finger if he used any more force, and stopped only to leave with the doctors into the emergency room. He could barely process what was happening as he was guided to a waiting room chair by a nurse. 

The one thing that really struck him was that after the stretcher Ryan was in passed, he suddenly felt a wave of soothing energy. Shane had no idea where it had come from or if his brain skipped to some sort of acceptance stage, but it completely relaxed him and he stopped squirming around as he had been previously. 

At some point, he and their possessions was moved to a smaller, more isolated waiting room. It's not like it mattered that much, as he was pacing to keep himself under control. The empty lights that indicated darkness outside and sleep from the rest of the world isolated him further from any reality that he could grasp on to. The only thing he did keep a hold of was that weird feeling or energy he felt earlier. Even though it was probably his brain playing tricks on him, it was meant to calm him down from being irrational, which honestly did help a lot.

What felt like hours and maybe even days later, Shane could see a nurse coming down the hall slowly towards him. He stopped, letting her come to him. Her face was solemn, and he could already see she was walking to him. Just from her actions, Shane could already tell what she was probably going to tell him. He furiously pushed his thoughts back into doubt for now. 

However, before she could reach him, there was a voice further down the hall suddenly calling her name, some sort of emotion Shane couldn't recognize at the moment calling her back. She stopped, and turned around, jogging back to where she had come from. Her face didn't say much, but Shane could almost see it begin to change drastically as she turned away from him. He didn't possibly know what the entire situation could mean either way, so he went to sit down instead and doze. 

Something made him feel reassured about that moment, and he rested with more peace than he had managed to get that entire night.

Just as the very first streaks of sunlight began to filter through the waiting room windows, Shane began blinking his eyes open to see the same nurse standing in front of him. Realizing everything that had happened previously, he stood up so quickly that he became a bit lightheaded. 

"Hello, Mr. Madej," she began, "So earlier you told us you were the person acquainting Ryan here as out-of-town visitors?" 

"Yes, that is correct," he grumbled, coughing a bit to clear his throat.

"We had a bit of a scare at the beginning, and he was officially medically dead at 11:49pm-" she continued. Shane deflated. So long ago, and they still couldn't have told him? The nurse grabbed his arm before she went on: "That being said, our doctors managed to get a heartbeat out of him and he is now stabilized. There should be minimal side effects as it wasn't as serious as some we have seen, however, he still has a few broken bones in the leg that was in contact with the conductor and needs a little bit of therapy for some motor skills. He will be okay, just needs some recovery time." She ended off smiling, squeezing his arm in reassurance.

"Oh thank god," Shane let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, putting his hand over his mouth. The nurse helped him sit back down in his chair so that he could recover from the shock.

"It's going to be alright now."

"Thank you so much, thank you," he praised her, "Please give all the doctors my thanks as well."

"Will do," she nodded, "Now please get something to eat before you can go see Ryan - we all noticed you haven't eaten anything since you got here." She left after receiving his conformation.

Shane slumped back into his chair. That had definitely been the largest amount of relief he had ever felt ever. Nothing could cut him short of grateful to everything that kept his friend alive.

What really scared him was how he would have gotten by without Ryan, and just how dependent he was on Ryan always being with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey cliche highkey dramatic but its to set the plot into motion k


	4. alive

Anticipation was definitely something that was running through Shane's mind as he was being led to Ryan's room. What the anticipation meant, he wasn't sure.

He had barely managed to scarf down a sandwich from the cafeteria, not that concerned about hunger yet realizing how hungry he actually was once he first took a bite. Right now though, he almost felt like it would have been better if he didn't eat any of it.

Ryan couldn't have been in that bad of a state considering it was only his foot that had touched the current, but he had still technically died at some point. To be completely honest, Shane really had no idea what to expect.

Opening the door to his friend's room was a lot more anti-climatic than he had apprehended. Ryan looked overall okay with the exception of the amount of wires traveling out from him to various machines and the oxygen mask on his face. Also considering the fact that he was asleep.

He walked up to him and pulled a chair up to his bedside, sitting down to watch him. The nurse fiddled with the machines for a few seconds and then left them alone in the room.

It was so surreal to see his best friend lying there as if he was only sleeping when he had only been dead a few hours before. Not completely, but medically dead for at least a few seconds. The lumps underneath his sheets suggested that his leg was heavily bandaged, but other than that he seemed relatively okay. There were multiple different cords coming out from underneath the sheets, some Shane recognized. An IV, a pulse monitor, muscle activity monitors...

Overall, Ryan had a very handsome face. The oxygen mask could do nothing to take that away from him. Shane ran his fingers gently through Ryan's hair, fixing his hair so that it looked as presentable as Ryan usually had it. His friend took a deeper breath, but did not move any more than that.

Shane had all the time in the world to think as he sat there watching his friend or staring off into a corner of the room. He probably had to head home at some point, since he still had work tomorrow. Ryan was the one who had brought him here, so he would have to use his car back. They would probably have to transfer Ryan into a hospital in LA anyways.

He played with Ryan's hand, touching it gently and rubbing his fingers, feeling how alive he was. The scare had only lasted the night, but considering how dead he seemed to be just last night made Shane marvel at the warmth coming from his skin. 

There was also the question of what would happen with them after this was all over. 'Ghost hunting' wasn't the only reason they met up, but hell was it the biggest reason. What if this experience shook him, and he not only stops these trips with the two of them together but also deletes the blog documenting all of their experiences? It's not like it would give him bad memories, but perhaps with death so close to his face he would probably retreat and refrain from doing anything dangerous again.

The fingers Shane was holding moved suddenly, and curled slightly around his own. Shane tried to move as little as possible in order to not startle his friend. 

Ryan was shifting a little bit, moving his head slowly. Gradually, he began to blink his eyes open, examining Shane's face in front of him. Once he got a clear look at him, he laid his head back completely and shut his eyes again, smiling.

"I'm alive again," he murmured, squeezing Shane's fingers with his own.

"You sure are," Shane replied, rubbing his thumb comfortingly on Ryan's hand, "You were dead for a little while back there."

"I know." He continued smiling. 

"Did one of the nurses tell you?"

"No. This is my first time waking up."

Ryan lay there in silence, continuing to smile as if he was listening to his favourite song. Shane, on the other hand, was beginning to become confused. Ryan was supposed to be unconscious the whole time - there would have been no way for him to tell whether or not he had died. He let it pass. Ryan probably hadn't taken it literally.

"Man, it was so beautiful, so stunning," Ryan had begun murmuring again, shaking his head a little this time.

"What was?"

Shane's question made him stop. He centered his head again and lifted his eyelids to peer at Shane curiously. Ryan did so for a while, keeping his friend tensed. He finally managed to speak up again.

"The most amazing thing happened to me, Shane, you'd never believe it. I gotta tell you everything that happened."

"I'm sure you had very nice dreams," Shane smiled reassuringly, not sure whether or not you could have dreams on your deathbed.

"No. No, no, no, no," he was shaking his head again, this time with more purpose, "This was all real life." Shane opened his mouth to say something but Ryan continued before he had a chance to speak: "I have to start at the beginning I guess."

"Alright, okay. Tell me everything."

"So we were in that house, right? And thunderstorm? I guess?" Ryan was rambling, but that was probably because his surgery drugs hadn't worn off yet, "And we were going down the stairs... to the basement. Haha, you said ladies first, remember? Haha. So I went down and when I stepped in a rain puddle probably - in the basement haha - I saw a bright light and lots of pain and my leg hurt really bad and it all felt real weird... and then... I think I stood up, but I wasn't, because when I tried to look at you you had caught me in your arms. I looked pretty dead I think but you dragged me upstairs. You looked really scared - I'm sorry for making you go through that." The last part confused Shane further. There was no way he would be able to know that. On the other hand, however, he could have just made it up. It wasn't that it was unlikely for Shane to do that. Ryan's story began to ring a bell; it sounded a bit like something from that podcast he had listened to earlier.

Ryan continued: "This part was really weird because I was just kind of watching you call the doctors and trying to give me... was it CPR? That was funny to watch. Not you though. It broke my heart to see you like that, I'm so sorry." Shane held Ryan's fingers a little tighter in reassurance. "I was so worried, cause when the doctors finally came, I thought you were going to break your fingers or something. I was trying to speak to you, but I couldn't say anything. It was really frustrating. So then I tried to grab you and stop you from wringing your fingers like that but my hands just went through you and I couldn't even touch you at all. I wasn't there or something, and the feeling to be right in front of you and not to be noticed... I didn't like it one bit." Shane wringing his fingers obsessively: that was something that Ryan couldn't have known either. Then again, it may have well been something he could have guessed as well. Nevertheless, the accuracy of every detail in his story was frightening, to say in the least.

"No one did that much after when I guess what was my body going into the ambulance. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't leave you like that, so I went in the ambulance with the rest of you. I guess on the way rather than looking at the paramedics working on me, I was sitting with you. When we went into the hospital though, I was beginning to realize that maybe I didn't exist, but that maybe I was still some sort of energy? I don't know how to explain it, but as they were bringing me into the hospital, I tried to go near you and comfort you with all the feeling I could. I was giving you all of that so you wouldn't be worried, but when I looked down I could see my body actually turn completely into energy and start disappearing. That's the last I remember of seeing you in this world."

None of this lined up to Shane's beliefs, and he refused to let them do so. He hated how this explanation not only completely answered but accurately so told him that that weird energy he felt was actually Ryan. Not just that, but the realization that Ryan had actually been with him the entire time made him feel... what? Uncomfortable? Frustrated? Comforted? 

"Wait... what do you mean by 'this world'?" Shane urged him on. Ryan had already explained everything that Shane had witnessed completely consciously, but the fact that there even was a part 2 of his story intrigued him.

"I was in this... place. I don't know how to describe it... It was... imagine like, peace... complete and utter peace... and happiness... as a place. Nothing else, just peace. That's all you felt and all you saw and everything that you ever needed. I think I had some sort of guide showing me around? It's really hard to remember in 3D again. I also felt... like I understood everything. Everything made sense. That I knew everything.

"After a bit, I looked up, and saw the most shimmering and shining thing ever. It was like... pure light? Um... like crystal clear water? It was so beautiful and it was pretty much begging for me to come towards it, pulling me foreword. I wanted to go to it so badly, but just when I almost reached it, something told me I wasn't ready yet - it wasn't my time." Ryan began to strike as a bit solemn now. "I was suddenly being pulled back, away from the happiness and peace and knowledge, being pulled back roughly into this world and into my own body. I could see it, lying weirdly on some doctor's table. I was pulled back into it... have you ever fallen or tripped in your dream and then you wake up and jerk around a bit like you hit the ground or something? That's pretty much what it felt like."

Shane removed his hand from the bed completely and rubbed his hands over his eyes. This was too much for him to wrap his head around.

"What's wrong?" Ryan frowned. Shane could tell he was skeptical and suspecting of Shane thinking that he was lying.

"Nothing," he consoled, "I just can't believe you're alright now."

"Yeah," Ryan grinned, "I can't wait till I'm all better and we can go to more haunted houses like that."

"Wait... you aren't... scared? Of what's happened?"

"No?" Ryan seemed confused.

"I thought you were already really scared of ghosts though."

He shook his head again: "Death isn't scary. If anything, I'll accept it any way it comes to me. Anything to feel that peace again. Nothing in this life is important anymore compared to that." Ryan's comment did not settle well with Shane, but he kept to himself.

"Well, that... thing... told you it wasn't your time yet, right? That means they know when it is?"

"Yeah... I guess," he hummed, "Guess it's not my choice." Shane took a deep breath out: hopefully this would mean that there wouldn't be any suicidal thoughts that some people with near death experiences encounter. 

Near death experiences... does this mean Ryan Bergara was going to be one of those people that had an NDE? One of those ones that Shane was hesitant to even begin to believe?

"What are you doing?" Ryan pried, watching Shane send out an email on his phone.

"I'm taking the day off on Monday. I'll stay with you for a bit, but you'll probably be transferred to LA soon anyways."

"You don't have to - I don't want to take you away from your job like that."

"I want to," Shane insisted, putting his phone away and moving to hold Ryan's hand again, "I want to stay with you so you have someone to be with. You're probably going to be in therapy for quite a bit, and I've been with you in this since the beginning, and I'll definitely be with you in this till the very end." Ryan gripped his hand back tighter, smiling with the sun shining from his eyes.

"I'm so grateful to have you, Shane. That's cheesy and all, but I really do want us to stay like this for a really long time."

Shane still didn't want to believe Ryan's story to be actually nonfiction, but whether or not that was the case, Ryan still came out completely changed from this story of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cheesy but im starting to get somewhere now


	5. home

Ryan goddamn Bergara was moving into his apartment.

 _His_ apartment. Or at least it used to be. It's not like he completely minded though, as it was technically himself that gave him the opportunity in the first place.

It had taken more decision making on Shane's part rather than Ryan's on how Ryan could possibly pay any of his medical fees. His carefree attitude he had adopted since waking up didn't help either, as Shane was the one who had to give him the option in moving in with him when Ryan immediately decided that selling his house was the best option. It would certainly help and wouldn't throw him into any sort of debt, but Ryan's lack of attachment to his possessions was vaguely concerning to Shane.

And thus their grand move-in scheme began. Luckily, Shane had a spare guest bedroom that Ryan could stay in. Most of the furniture in Ryan's house had to be sold in addition to the house itself, yet Shane had to do an unreasonable amount of convincing to his friend to not sell possessions that most people and probably the rest of his family would consider pretty important. Ryan had gone on another spiel about how physical possessions didn't matter after anyways as Shane packed some of his important documents and heirlooms into a box.

It was decided that Ryan would look for another part-time job, but wouldn't have to split the rent until he had completely paid off his medical and therapy fees. It was also decided, nonetheless, that he would be in charge of all food and cleaning, as he currently had to stay home as he was recovering, and also claimed that he could be 'good at cooking once he got his hands on some family recipes'.

Unfortunately, during this entire move in, Shane was the only one actually doing all the 'moving in'. All Ryan did was manage to heave himself into the elevator to Shane's apartment and sleep on the living room couch until Shane was finished bringing in all of his stuff.

Closing and locking the front door, Shane wandered back into the living room. He leaned on the archway to the room itself, watching over his friend's sleeping figure on his own couch, casted leg in a probably very uncomfortable position. Ryan stirred a bit, almost as if he could tell Shane was finished and staring at him.

"Hey sleeping beauty," Shane teased, "Welcome home, bud. Mi casa es su casa." Ryan blinked a few times before sitting up, grinning with an unmeasurable amount of happiness.

"I'm home," he murmured, drinking in his surroundings. His eyes were twinkling.

"It's not much, but I hope your luxurious lifestyle can handle it."

"No, I- I really feel it. I'm home."

"You're home?"

"Yeah. You're welcoming... and well meaning... I can really feel it here. I'm home." He sighed contentedly, leaning back to embrace the moment.

After Ryan's statement, Shane could almost really feel it too. That he was home. That they were _both_ home. Or at least that's what the swelling emotion in his chest probably was. They both basked in the moment together in silence, enjoying the peace and stillness of it.

"Are you hungry?" Ryan asked suddenly, reaching for his crutches so he could stand himself up.

"Erm, yeah. Famished."

"Guess I should start my cooking career here then. Do you have any tortillas?"

"Uh... yeah... I think so. There should be a few left in the fridge."

Ryan stared at him for a few seconds before questioning him further: "How big are they?"

"Um, like this big?" Shane motioned a circle with his hands about the size of dinner plate. Ryan narrowed his eyes further and Shane waited to be judged by his limited knowledge of Mexican culture.

"That's a burrito wrap."

"Hell if I knew."

"One requirement we should have here is to constantly have real tortillas in the house for quick cooking needs."

"Sorry I have a White food pantry."

"Time to change that for once," Ryan grinned, crutching himself over to the front doors again. Shane regrettably got his keys and wallet to go on a mini grocery run.

About half an hour later and lots of culture later, they left the Latino store and even the local Asian supermarket with plenty of long-term grocery supplies. Ryan was commenting the whole time that he would at least try and bring the culture cuisines that he knew into Shane's far-too-bland one. Shane refrained from saying anything as he watched his credit card being used for the surprisingly cheap groceries.

Once they got home, Shane helped Ryan put the groceries away and showed him where everything was, but then left to his room to answer some emails and work a little bit. He could hear his friend hobble across the kitchen every once in a while, and eventually something frying wafting through the air. It smelled good, and probably made Shane even hungrier than before. He probably wasn't as bad of a cook as Shane had expected.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he eventually wandered back to the kitchen. His friend had his back to him, working on the stove. There was leftover cheap steak and some veggies frying in a pan, and Ryan was flipping some tortillas on one of the gas burners. Shane walked up to him and touched him on his side gently to warn him of his presence.

"Looks good," he noted. Ryan shifted his weight to reach for another tortilla, awkwardly moving around his stationary leg.

"It's almost done, be patient," Ryan fussed, "Just set the table or something." Shane moved his hand to pat his friend on the shoulder a few times before moving to contribute to setting up the meal.Â 

Once completely sat down, they began to have their first meal together in the apartment. Shane just imitated Ryan on what he did with the stir fry and tortillas, which was admittedly a very good combination. They ate in silence for a bit, appreciating the food before them.

"This is really good," Shane spoke up, food still in his mouth.

"Really? Thanks. If there's anything you feel like having tell me in advance so I can try and prepare it."

"You don't have to go that far for me."

"You are already giving me your hospitality and kindness, this is the least I can do. Plus I will have the extra time."

"Anything is fine - I'm just grateful that you're cooking for me," he laughed. "What are you thinking of applying for for your part-time?"

"I dunno," he shrugged, "Probably something simple like retail or in a restaurant... whatever one I find that works the best." He reached over and grabbed the phone that was on the table beside him, opening it and typing something.

"Hey, wait," Shane stopped eating, dropping his food onto his plate and reached over the table towards his friend, "That's my phone, isn't it? What are you even doing on it?" Ryan stared at him, shocked, until he seemed to remember something.

"Oh, sorry. I was just looking up the weather for tomorrow to see if I could try to go out." He handed Shane back his phone.

"Why not use your own phone?"

"It's across the room. It's too much effort getting up and down with my leg like this."

"You couldn't have waited, could you?" Shane rolled his eyes, "How did you even know my passcode anyways? You did it in one try, and it isn't my birthday date."Â 

Ryan narrowed his eyes as he was thinking, opening his mouth well before he knew what he was going to say: "... I saw you put it in. A few times."

"When? Why were you looking for my passcode."

"I wasn't."

"Then how?"

"It was when I was, um, dead." Shane stared directly at him, not moving a muscle. He didn't believe him. "I was... watching you take care of me... and when you were trying to call the emergency services... no... after they arrived and you were trying to contact both of our parents... and the rest of my family... while they were taking care of me... the passcode's easy: 7926. No idea why, but that's what it was. Sorry, I know it's personal, I don't know why that was one of the things I remembered. You don't believe me, do you." His tone irked something in Shane, which is why he snapped back.

"I'm not saying that you lied, I'm just wondering if you saw anything else while you were dead, maybe the demons while you were at it," he finished with a sigh, immediately regretting getting so fired up about it. It was something about the claimed NDE Ryan had had. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's been a long week." Ryan had bit his lip and struck as though he was keeping something from Shane again. "What... do you actually have something?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, I- I apologize if you took my statement too literally. I'm all ears and support."

"I don't even know if you believe me or not..."

"It's just... so hard for me to get around all of this. None of what you've been saying makes logical sense to me... BUT... but, I'm not going to be a loser and not hear you out. I know you believe in seeing and hearing and touch and the likes."

Ryan hesitated quite a bit more before speaking just above a whisper: "I did feel something when we were still in the house. It was dark and evil energy but... it was retreating back to the basement."

"So... what? It was the one that did this to you?"

"No, I'm not saying that, it's just-"

"It was there?"

"Yeah."

"What about any other ghosts?"

"Um, I don't actually know."

"How can you sense a goddamn demon and not a simple ghost for fuck's sake?"

"It might have been... relative to my condition?"

"How can seeing ghosts fucking be relativity?"

"Well, we were all energies at this point. I suppose... it's a bit like... if you ever did physics back in school... like kinetic energy. If you're moving at a certain velocity, and the object beside you is moving in the exact same direction and the exact same velocity as you are, you would think it wasn't moving, right? Or, at least, it isn't moving in your point of view. If... whatever these are... actually are different types of energy, then maybe it was the same thing? That I didn't notice they were there because I was one of them too? I don't know, I never specialized much in physics." Shane took the thought to mind for a few seconds; the energy theory could possibly work, but he wasn't sure how reliable that explanation could work with electromagnetic energy, if ghosts and such were truly supposed to be electromagnetic energy.

Shane began laughing: "So ghosts are really just relativity?"

"Haha, yeah, I guess?" Ryan joined him, until their laughter pointlessly picked up and distracted them away from the previous subject for a while.

"Let's eat in peace," he announced, picking his food back up, "It's your first meal at home, and mine with you. We can't be arguing already. We can save that for later."

"Alright," Ryan agreed, also finishing up the remains of his food. "Oh my god, I just remembered this one movie... I heard about it and immediately thought it would be something that you'd love to see."

"Is that so?" Shane was beaming. They were both back to normal for now, and it couldn't have made him happier for Ryan to tell him he had been thinking of him. "Then I guess after supper we're having a movie night."

 


	6. chat

Coming home to a homemade supper already on the stove or in the oven and his best friend hanging around was one of the best things about coming home after work every day. Shane would probably even admit that it was, in fact, his favourite part of the day.

Ryan would kid him and tell him how much he had missed him during the entire day, but Shane knew that was not entirely true. During his time within the confinements of the apartment, Ryan had went and found some religious texts (most probably from the library) that were scattered around his room, the kitchen, and the living room. There wasn't one that he seemed to particularly favour, but he had seen some with Buddhist titles more than a few times. 

Ever since Ryan got a cane instead of crutches, he also started going out more. Apparently he conversed with a lot of the neighbors, and even became relatively friendly with a few reappearing people. Sometimes, Ryan would also hobble with Shane as he went to work, parting when Ryan realized he was dragging Shane behind and going on his own little walk instead. It was like he was becoming some sort of porch grandma. He probably would have tended to a garden too if he had the access to one, considering the growing number of plants near sun-filled windows around the flat. 

Ryan was nice before, but this was still a huge change. Rather than sympathetic, he became a much more empathetic person. It's not like this was bad, as it was actually a beneficial feature, yet it was still a bit different to how he was before.

"How was your day at work?" Ryan called from the kitchen, hearing Shane walk in and close the front door behind him.

"Great," Shane claimed sarcastically, "It was especially eventful." Ryan laughed slightly, almost politely. "How about you? Did you stay inside the whole day?"

"Of course not," he scoffed, "I went out on the balcony to read for a few hours. The sun was nice and warm, I might have even tanned a bit."

"You don't look it," Shane joked, tracing his finger over Ryan's arm. Even if he did, Shane probably wouldn't have been able to tell unless he saw tan lines. He stopped when he saw what Ryan was stirring in the large pot on the stove, moving his finger to poke him instead and point to the pot's contents. "What in Sam Hill is that?"

"Squash soup."

"Excuse me?"

"They had this squash up front in the grocery store. I decided to try it out. I found a well reviewed recipe on the internet, so hopefully it's not too shitty." Ryan had 'tried out' a few things, not all of which had ended well. Shane's expression changed briefly before going back to normal and opening his mouth, leaning on the counter with his elbows. "What, it's not done yet."

"Taste test." Ryan rolled his eyes before taking a little bit in a table spoon, cooling it off before feeding it to his friend. The soup was thick and creamy and a bit sweeter than he expected.

"It's good, wow."

"Really? Thanks man."

They set up their meal and went to eat, chatting lightly about some minor drama that happened at Shane's office.

"So..." Shane set down his utensils, bringing his plate to the sink, "I've noticed you've been reading up on religions. What's with this sudden interest?"

"Hm, well," Ryan scratched his face as he put down his own utensils, "I've been wondering what they've had to say about spirituality. Since they are the ones that base themselves around it, after all."

"Are you thinking of devoting yourself to one?" 

"Not necessarily. I believe in what I saw, and if a teaching speaks of what I saw exactly, then I might convert. I have high respect for all of them, though." He was talking about his death again.

"Which one would you most likely go for?"

Ryan paused, moving to put away his own dishes and then move to sit at the couch where Shane had placed himself. He gave himself a few more seconds before he answered slowly.

"Probably Buddhism. Buddhism is technically considered more of a philosophy though rather than a religion."

"Alright. Values aren't a bad thing to have I suppose."

"That's why I like this one a lot." 

"Your experience changed you quite a bit."

Ryan frowned: "Not that much. I just see a bit more value in actions and people than before... and the need for spirituality. I suppose it was a bit like that time I saw a ghost on the Queen Mary's..."

"Now, don't tell fiction here, you didn't _see_ one..."

"It was there! I swear it was!"

"First you... meet the ghost... and then you _become_ the ghost-"

"Shut up, Shane," Ryan laughed, punching Shane in the arm. "This time was more impactful. The Queen Mary's led me to believe in ghosts, but this time... it was a lot bigger."

"Alright, alright," Shane rolled his eyes, and regretted it slightly when Ryan looked away. Shane was still a little skeptical as always on what Ryan had claimed about both factors, but now that they had been living together, it was slightly easier and more harmful for Ryan to pick up Shane's hesitance. 

"I've been wondering..." Ryan spoke up again, bringing Shane's attention back to him. He was pointing to the corner between the wall and the couch. "You play guitar?"

"No, not really. I had it here because a friend gave it to me cause they didn't want it anymore. I've tried it one or two times but it mostly just collects dust. You can use it if you want to. Or even bring it to your room."

"It'll be nicer in here," Ryan decided, "The area's more open. It'll be something good to start picking up."

"I'll move it out so it's easier for you to get later." Shane stood up to stretch, and glanced out the window. It was still relatively bright outside, but the sun was due to set sooner or later. "You said you didn't really go completely outside today, right? Wanna go for a quick walk?"

"I'd love to, thank you very much." Ryan stood up, leaning on his cane. 

They both set off to a nearby park only a few blocks from the apartment. Both slowed their paces to enjoy the setting around them as they chatted, yet Shane still held Ryan's arm supportingly as they walked, even though he already had the cane. 

They discussed Ryan's job, and how he had already begun to work from home to gradually reintegrate himself back into his workplace. They also discussed how his therapy was going, which was evidently really well, as his therapist had even told him he had been doing exceptionally better than most people. 

Slowly but surely, they made it to the park, and hobbled off to a nearby bench. This park just so happened to have a basketball court just beyond some trees. Shane couldn't help but stare at Ryan as he watched some kids dribble and shoot with a ball. It was well known that Ryan had a love for basketball, but with his current injuries, there was nothing he could do except for sit and watch people play right in front of him. 

Ryan didn't actually seem that empty or solemn about the fact that he couldn't play in his condition. He seemed rather... blank... instead. As if he had accepted it? The darkening sky and park lamps gradually turning on highlighted the features on his face, making more things for Shane to search for in his semi-turned face.

This moment reminded Shane slightly of the time when he had visited Ryan in the hospital just before he woke up again for the first time. He was perfectly alive and awake right now, yet very little seemed to have changed then. He didn't seem particularly happier or completely in this world, as if his head was constantly in the clouds. His rhythmic breathing was soothing to see and feel against him, his chest softly rising and falling. They sat in silence for a good few minutes, appreciating the fresh air and scene around them.

Ryan took a slightly deeper breath and sighed. Shane decided to lean foreword as he did this and gesture towards the basketball players.

"Do you miss it?"

"Yeah. It was one of my favourite things to do down here." _Down here. Past tense._ Shane lifted himself off of Ryan and leaned back, slightly away from his friend. 

"It's been a long time since you've gotten to play. Must be tough."

"Yeah, I suppose. I remember when I watch them play."

"Say, you know what?" Shane dropped his hand on Ryan's shoulder, much like a father would. "As soon as that leg of yours gets better, we can come down here and play a little bit - a one on one... or we can get some more friends to play too."

"Thanks," he smiled, "I'd really love it. It'd be fun to get together with everyone too. We should start heading back though." He tried to stand up, using the support of Shane and his own cane. They started on back, pacing slowly between lampposts. 

As they were passing one light, it began to flicker above them, and Ryan joked about it being ghosts around them. _Ryan_ did, not Shane. Ryan then continued to joke that maybe he was a ghost since he did when he touched the lamppost and the light completely turned off. He went around and touched a few different lampposts to see if they would turn off too, but none of them even flickered. Shane ended up being a little further beside Ryan while they were going home than they were before. 

Ryan had definitely changed. Even though it might not have been evident through the eyes of an outsider, Shane could definitely feel the unfamiliarity. It's not like change was bad. It was some stubborn part of him that grew too attached to how he was before and had not adapted to how he was now. 

There were definitely still times that made him feel like it was before anything happened, where they chatted and teased each other relentlessly, which made Shane's heart swell like nothing else. It's just that sometimes, Ryan would shift to the new person he had changed into after his near death experience. That's when Ryan felt the farthest away from Shane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tomorrow is the season finale im going to die this was the only thing i looked foreword to in the week other than the postmortem.


	7. care

"I'm home," Shane called, locking the door behind him. He could hear Ryan hobbling around the apartment, yet he didn't answer. Shane stopped and peered in the general direction where Ryan could be, curious as to why his friend hadn't answered as per usual. Perhaps he was caught up in something and hadn't heard him. 

"Um, Ryan?" He shuffled down the hall to check in the kitchen, "You good? Where are yo- what the fuck?" He nearly had a heart attack as something brushed up against his leg, as he was very sure that whatever it was was probably not Ryan unless he was dying and suddenly very furry. 

"Oh, shit, there you are Chica." Ryan was suddenly in the room, moving quickly towards Shane and bending down to pick up a large orange cat. A _cat_. In _his apartment_.

"Um, no offence, but what the actual fuck? Ryan? Why is there a cat in the apartment?"

"Sorry," Ryan mumbled, leaning against the counter and tried to pick up the rather large cat. It was a wonder how he managed to pick it up with his bad leg and its weight. 

"Are you going to give any explanation with that?"

"It was raining earlier..."

"I am well aware. It was raining when we left together."

"Yes. And I was on my way back to the apartment, and passed by Chica's box as per usual..."

"Wait... hold on... so you're telling me... this isn't the first time you've seen this cat?"

"Yeah. Anyways-"

"Ryan-"

"Are you going to let me continue?" Ryan stared passive-aggressively at him, and Shane shut up, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. He nodded for him to continue. "As I was saying, I saw Chica there as per usual, and I was going to give her something to eat as I usually do, but she just looked especially sad in the rain and I didn't have the heart to leave her..."

"So you brought her back."

"That is correct."

"And took care of her?"

"Yep."

"I swear to god if you used my towel-"

"I promise I didn't," Ryan smiled, bouncing the large animal like a baby, "I just gave her a bit of canned salmon and let her rest." Shane narrowed his eyes towards Chica. She seemed like she was a grumpy old cat, but she looked rather content in Ryan's arms. Shane couldn't blame her.

Shane took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair: "You know, I realize that you are more empathetic or whatever now, but there's some lines that you really can't cross, Bergara."

"But-"

"I don't even think this apartment even allows pets." Ryan hung his head and buried it in Chica's orange fur. Shane didn't even want to begin to think if she had any fleas or was properly vaccinated, but for the sake of the moment, he did not say anything. "You're like a toddler - I shouldn't take my eye off you," he teased, moving to ruffle Ryan's hair. He could tell Ryan smiled a bit, and then moved his head to try and get his hair back to how it was before.

"I'm allowed to care, aren't I?"

The situation in itself was pretty funny. When thinking of cheesy romances, the tough guy or romance icon was always found with a box-full of abandoned kittens on the side of the road. In this case, Ryan had just found a large, old, grumpy and wet stray cat. It didn't make that much of a difference though. It's the thought that counts, isn't it?

"Say, how about we keep Chica here for the night," Shane propositioned, patting Chica briefly to state his point, "And then we call the pet shelter tomorrow to bring her in." 

Ryan created the impression that he wanted to actually keep Chica permanently, yet Shane was forever thankful when his logical side probably appeared and reasoned with him as to why that was simply not possible. His face changed a few times as he thought.

"Alright."

"You can still visit her when I'm at work."

"Alright." He seemed a lot more satisfied now. Putting down Chica, he grabbed his cane and stared walking off into the next room. "There's some leftovers in the fridge that you can just heat up."

"When are you going to start working?" Shane asked back, collecting tupperwares from the fridge. He glanced over to Ryan, who was sitting on the couch in the living room on his phone.

"I'm looking now."

"As soon as you're feeling a bit better you should start. Also try and look up how to take care of a cat, cause I don't want to accidentally kill the damn thing before we can take her off our hands." He could hear Ryan chuckle from the other room.

"I got you covered man."

"Couldn't you have picked up a dog or something instead?" Shane hummed, placing his food into the microwave, "I thought you liked dogs better anyways."

"I did used to like dogs better-"

"But _everything's equal now_ , right?"

"Exactly. Plus dogs are found as strays considerably less than cats are. Statistics, dude."

"Haha, you got me there."

"Hey, Shane?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is the wifi doing so badly now? It was working perfectly fine 2 seconds ago."

"Oh," Shane watched the time on the microwave count down to when his meal would be semi-heated up properly, "That's probably the microwave. Sorry."

"The microwave?"

"Yeah, the microwave. This one's old, and sometimes it disturbs the wifi. It's done in about 30 seconds, don't worry."

"Disturbs, huh? Micro... wave..."

"Yeah. Old. Too much external radiation or something probably."

"Radiation... oh, holy fuck. Hold that thought." Ryan was moving suddenly, and searching the coffee table through multiple papers. 

"What? Microwave?"

"Kind of." He found a little journal of sorts that Shane had seen lying around before and a pen before becoming completely silent. The only thing that interrupted the sound of pen scratching against paper was the 3 beeps of the microwave indicating that it thought Shane's meal was ready. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just had an idea." Ryan closed the journal and left it on the table, leaning back and going back on his phone. "You can look if you're curious, it's not really personal."

"Hmm, that so?" Shane brought over his meal and sat with Ryan, picking up the journal to inspect at while he ate.

"Please do not get it dirty, thank you very much."

"Yeah, sure," Shane spoke, mouth full and shrugging nonchalantly. 

At first, Shane had began to think that Ryan kept some sort of diary, yet when he opened it up and saw the countless diagrams inside he realized that it was more of a theory journal instead. Of ghosts, specifically. His skepticalism made him want to close it right there and put it back down, but his curiosity got the best of him as he scanned its pages and diagrams. 

There was so much information that was already compressed into the journal that Shane only had time to look at a few, but they were already beginning to really go through a lot of physics. Mainly, it was exploring the fact on how spirits or consciences or whatever of the such could be electromagnetic energy.

The first topic Shane looked at was how stronger waves interfere with weaker ones. Countless notes were scribbled down, the most recent being _'i.e. Microwave on sometimes affects the WiFi?'._ Above it were notes such as ' _Consciences not being able to be seen in light because of electromagnetic disturbance (i.e. light)', 'Why/how does electromagnetic waves interfere with sound? AM/FM waves?'_ , and _'How do AM/FM waves produce/effect sound waves?'_. 

It was interesting how these thoughts actually made Shane do some thinking himself. The last question probably had something to do with sound waves being 1 dimensional and electromagnetic waves being 3 dimensional. This was already theorizing that if they were on the electromagnetic spectrum, consciences would be somewhere on the scale between AM/FM waves and visible light - possibly infrared light? Shane turned the page when he saw _'Quantum Physics/Mechanics - > *Effect somewhere else even if there's no one/nothing/no force there* -> 4th Dimension (or 5th or 6th)'_ circled and heavily outlined. 

The next page he flipped to explored more deeply into consciences being a part of the light spectrum, and how close or far away they were could possibly vary their frequencies and colour. That didn't quite make sense to Shane, as it would most likely somehow tell of what element they were, or what 'far away' could possibly mean: whether within the room or something else. Plus, it was stated before that light waves perhaps disturbed their presences, which is why no one ever sees ghosts in broad daylight. 

"Pretty interesting, huh?" Ryan was watching him with mild amusement over his phone. Shane closed the journal and set it back on the coffee table. 

He shrugged: "Whatever floats your boat."

"Hey, we should get a frequency meter when we go back out exploring haunted places again."

"Frequency meter? Why? Don't you already have an EMF detector?"

"Yeah. Frequency meter is different."

"Why?"

"People 'proving' that ghosts aren't real say that some instances are because of low sound waves from machines or fans or whatever that affect your brain."

"..."

"If we have one, we can eliminate that as being the source of some place being 'haunted'."

"Alright. You can order a decent one if you want to, but you're still getting all healed up and a job before we go anywhere else."

"Deal."

"How's the blog doing, by the way? I haven't managed to check it out in a while."

Ryan smiled: "Pretty well. People seemed to be concerned and realize why we have been inactive, but they're supportive and nothing bad has really happened to it."

"Did you tell them all about it?"

"Yeah."

"Did anyone think it was a ghost or demon, perhaps?" Shane joked, digging back into his meal.

"Probably. I told them the facts though. How it was a rainwater puddle that had leaked downstairs... and some electrical source touching the water... Some strong believers are still claiming it's a ghost though. I told them about the rest of my experiences too."

"That's good. How's the foot feeling?"

"Better, thank you."

"Do you want help washing it again?"

"That would be really nice."

"We can do it now if you'd like."

"Chica's asleep. It would be perfect now."

"Alright, I'll get the tub ready then. You can go get dressed."

They both wandered off to get ready on their part. Shane changed into a white t-shirt and shorts that would be fine getting wet in, and found extra bandages and a washcloth. By the time he got back into the bathroom, Ryan was already sitting inside the tub with swim trunks on and his bad leg propped up and out of the rub. He was washing his hair already, so Shane sat down cross-legged and began unwrapping the dressings on Ryan's leg. 

"I can't believe it still needs to be bandaged after so long," Shane muttered, throwing away the dirty bandages. 

"I mean, I almost died from it, I guess," Ryan hummed. His eyes were closed as he massaged his own head and thoroughly cleaning his hair. 

"Still hurts like a bitch though, doesn't it?" Ryan flinched when Shane touched one of the least recovered areas, still pink with raw flesh. 

"Be careful with it."

"Have I never?" 

They didn't speak as they continued, Ryan humming with the bathroom acoustics soaring around both of their heads. Shane rinsed and washed his leg with patience and care, as he didn't want to hurt him anymore than it probably already did. As soon as he was done, he began re-bandaging it, taking note that it would be soon that he would not need to go so far to care for it anymore. 

"All cleaned up."

"Thank you for your help, as per usual."

"It's no problem," Shane smiled gently, helping him stand up again and get out of the tub. "You're all clean and nice-smelling now."

"Are you saying I was not nice-smelling before?" Ryan gasped mockingly, poking Shane in the shoulder before leaning to support himself on his cane. 

"Maybe," he teased, stepping just out of reach before Ryan could swing at him. 

"You fucker," Ryan rolled his eyes, moving to get him after all.

Ryan was so normal at times like this that Shane would forget just how different he had become. When he was the same as he had always been was when Shane was at peace. 

Otherwise, the strain and change was beginning to become too much for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so late - i have finals n stuff soon and a bunch of exams and essays so yeah... ill try and update ch.8 asap tho as i have a free day today
> 
> some other things  
> [-did an art yall](https://unsolvedbs.tumblr.com/post/161868236517/i-think-you-might-intellectualize-too-much)  
> -some friends and i began a (pretend youre xyzzy) cards against humanity deck for them (which still needs stuff added but) if yall wanna use it the the play code is TC6MR (use it with other decks)


	8. sorry

"Hey, sounding good."

Shane walked in to Ryan playing around on the guitar he had claimed for himself a while back. His phone was propped up on the arm of the couch in front of him as Ryan tried to read the tiny tab numbers he had opened on his screen. He'd pluck a few strings, and then try to quickly scroll down as he got to the next part. Shane picked a different sofa chair and sat down comfortably, reclined and legs propped up on the coffee table.

"Why, thank you. I've had a lot of time to practice."

"You've really improved, it's pretty impressive. There was a few songs I really liked..."

"This one?"

"Yeah, this one was one of them, but there was another one especially..."

"Tell me when I play it again and I'll play it more often."

"I'd love that." Shane couldn't help but smile as he watched Ryan strum, concentration fully back on his phone screen.

"I found another place." Ryan hadn't looked up from his tab as he said this, continuing to play as Shane watched him.

"What?"

"Somewhere I can go for the blog."

"Aren't you still using your cane? You should be fully functional before we do anything."

"I'm fine - my therapist said I'll be off it really soon."

"Alright. So..." Ryan stopped playing to look Shane in the eye as he posed his question: "What is this place you have in mind?" Ryan set aside the guitar to pay full attention to his friend.

"It's an abandoned amusement park called the Holy Land-"

"The Holy Land? Isn't that in Bethlehem or something?"

"No," Ryan laughed, leaning back, "It's an amusement park in Connecticut."

"So we're going to do a pilgrimage across the entire country for a few haunted Jesus roller-coasters?" Ryan wheezed really hard and Shane thought about what he had said a little more before cracking up with him.

"Sorry to disappoint, but there aren't really any rides..."

"So a bunch of nuns went and recreated the Holy Land?"

"Actually, there still are a bunch of nuns 'maintaining' the park - but just its exterior apparently."

"Wow, I'm glad I can finally cross _'taking a pilgrimage'_ off my bucket list," Shane drawled, dripping with sarcasm. Ryan rolled his eyes. "Has anything interesting happened there? For your blog?"

"There was a teenage girl assaulted and murdered by the park-"

"Oh god that's so horrible."

"I know, right?"

"Is that it?"

"Yeah."

"It's not _that_ haunted of a park then... and it was outside the park too, wasn't it?"

"I think so."

"Is it really haunted enough to your taste?"

Ryan adopted a far away look as he would get at times. He was still gazing at Shane, yet he would not have looked any different if Shane was not there. Blinking, he cocked his head as he thought of an answer.

"It's fine. An amusement park will be a nice change, and the roadtrip will be fun. We'd have to leave Friday evening though - if we wanted to get there and be back... soon. So that you don't have to miss too much work."

"I don't have unlimited days off work, Bergara."

"Then we can take a plane. It'll be fun either way."

"Is there some other reason why you're wanting to go there?" Ryan was growing farther away as he asked, but Shane couldn't help but keep on prying.

"Some people have claimed to have felt.... there...."

"What?"

Ryan locked his eyes with Shane's, making the tension rise considerably in the room. Both could at least suspect each other's stance on the mutually acknowledged upcoming subject.

"Some people have claimed to have felt a calming feeling; to be at complete peace."

"And you are interested in that because...?" Shane knew he should stop now; he should just shut up and pretend that he never said anything. This was going to get too out of hand, and it felt like the room was becoming longer, with Ryan on the other end getting out of sight.

Ryan narrowed his eyes: "You won't believe me."

"Just tell me." Neither of them even blinked, and sat there in complete silence as Ryan contemplated on how he would answer.

"Because I thought I could..." The rest of his answer was mumbled, and Shane couldn't quite hear him, even if he knew exactly what he said.

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch what you said there." There was no reason why he should be doing this, why he was breaking now of all the times he could have before. Ryan didn't deserve this. It wasn't his fault.

"Because I want to try and see if I could at least try to feel what I did when I was electrocuted." When he spoke this time, his speech was abrupt and his voice was raised just slightly. His arms were crossed now: tense as he was waiting for Shane's response.

And that's what made him crack. It's not as if this would have usually done that much in any other situation, but with the tension suspended in the room, a simple exasperated inhale and an over-exaggerated roll of his eyes was enough really tear everything down. This is what made Ryan Bergara realize that his currently only and best friend Shane Madej did not believe in everything that he lived through and currently lived for.

"What, the immense pain?"

"You know what I'm fucking talking about."

"Oh, your little dream you had? _How lovely."_

"I told you."

"..."

"I told you you wouldn't believe me." His voice was quivering, but his face was blank. Ryan was completely shattered, and it was like Shane was only grounding him even more into the dust.

"I'm sorry."

"I could tell you didn't believe me."

"I'm sorry."

"You never believed me, did you."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry."

"I'm sorry."

Ryan sighed: "It's not like I can be mad at you, I just... don't know how to feel when you think I'm lying about something that literally changed my entire life." _Fuck Ryan and his new empathy and inability to get mad at Shane._ He didn't even know what he was supposed to be mad about, as that was a completely invalid reason to be angry at his friend for.

"There's just no way that could have happened, sorry. I have no proof," Shane laughed dryly, lying through his teeth. Not complete lying - he told himself - as 'feeling' Ryan's presence wasn't solid proof.

"So because you didn't see anything even though I had to go through this all, you're not going to believe me." His voice was calm, and unsettlingly so. He was blank of any visible emotion.

"I want to believe you..."

"Then why can't you?" Ryan's voice still wasn't angry; it was almost gentle like a parent's.

"There's just no proof!"

"What about... that time I tried calming you... in the hospital. You reacted, I saw your face. You must have felt something."

Shane shrugged: "A feeling doesn't define much. I barely remember what I was thinking then." _A lie._

"Then... _you_. You were wringing your fingers a lot. Because you were anxious. You've never done that before - probably because I haven't seen you as anxious as that before then."

"That's not true. I don't do that. You made that up."

"Then why are you doing it now?"

Shane felt like a deer caught in headlights. He glanced down, and saw his hand wrapped around his finger, frozen in place. It had been done subconsciously, and he didn't realize he had been doing it at all. He didn't notice when, but he was definitely not reclined anymore and was sitting straight up in his seat. His hands dropped limply against his thighs.

"You know what?" Shane was standing up now, and he could see Ryan almost flinch and cower, "You know what, Mister Ryan Steven Bergara, I used to love you, I really did..." he trailed off, unable to finish once he realized what he said. _What the_ ** _fuck_** _did he just say?_ His balance teetered slightly.

"But...?"

"But you've changed so fucking much... I- I really just don't know anymore."

Shane barely was able to process Ryan's reaction before he turned heel and strode out of the room, shutting himself into his own bedroom. As he flopped down on his bed, he remembered Ryan's face as he left, its emotions becoming more extreme and exaggerated as time passed. Hurt? Sadness? Confusion? Leaving made everything worse anyways. Shane plugged in his earbuds and played whatever was on his phone: classic 80s it was.

As much as he would have wanted to doze, his swirling thoughts kept him listening to song after song and staring at the white ceiling above him. Hours could have passed before he decided he would try and leave the confines of his room. Ryan would probably have gone to sleep already anyways.

Pausing the Pink Floyd that had started to play after a Springsteen, he dropped his phone on his bed and shuffled back out of his room. The weight of his words to Ryan hit him again as he stepped out of his room, knocking the breath out of him, but he swallowed it all down and went to the kitchen to find something to eat.

Ryan's door to his room was still opened a bit, which indicated that he hadn't returned to his own room yet, but there was no sign of him anywhere else in the apartment. Shane didn't want to bother to look for him, but was saved from further worries when he saw him sitting on the balcony, staring at the skyline. Even if he _had_ somehow heard Shane, he definitely had not taken any notice of it.

Shane shuffled back to the fridge to search for something to eat. Perhaps Ryan wasn't paying complete attention to what he had said? Which was unlikely, considering the atmosphere everything had occurred in. Whatever the situation, Shane needed to grow the fuck up.

He grabbed two beers before closing the fridge and going over to the balcony.

Opening the sliding door, he slipped outside and sat in the empty chair beside his friend. The cool night air hit him like a slap to the face, and he retreated into his sweater that he was already wearing further. Ryan had made no movement to acknowledge that he was there, and just stared bleakly over the city.

"I thought you'd want one," Shane coughed, handing his friend an opened beer. Ryan jumped a little before turning to him, taking his drink at a turtle's pace. His reactions were sluggish, as if he had been sleeping with his eyes open. He didn't say anything in return, and continued to watch the city lights flicker on in the view of their balcony. Shane tried searching for what he was staring at.

"There are times like this that I can find peace." Shane glanced at his friend, who had finally spoke up. 

"I'm sorry about earlier - I don't know why I blew up at you like that," Shane mumbled his apology, immediately taking a swig of his drink after. Ryan turned his head slightly to stare at him now, and moved to take a sip of his own drink.

"I'm surprised you just haven't reacted more before this. A lot has happened to us since then."

"There was no reason for me to do that though. Are you alright?" He was going to avoid his little love confession as long as possible, so may as well dodge the subject around that. Maybe he could pull it off as a friend love, but he wasn't so sure.

"I'm fine. I don't want you to worry," he smiled, staring back out at the city, "I just wish you'd believe me. Then I'd have someone who would." Shane's heart sunk instantly at his words. They hurt, but they were a result of how he had acted. 

"I really do it's just..." Ryan hadn't looked back at him yet as Shane was speaking, "I don't know how. It goes against everything I've believed. I want to believe, I really do. And I don't want you to be... alone... like this."

"Then how do I make you believe?" His words were barely above a whisper, and Shane barely caught them underneath the cars and humming city around them. 

"We're still going places... for that lil' blog of yours... right?" 

Ryan looked at him again: "Yeah."

"Prove to me. Somehow. We'll find something... right?"

He grinned: "Yeah, we will." His face fell slightly as something else occurred to him. "Am I too different for you though? I'm like someone completely different. A whole other person."

"And that's a whole other person I want to learn about." 

They both exchanged glances, and the gratefulness on Ryan's face filled Shane with happiness. As shitty as he was before, he was glad he could at least begin to fix what he had done. 

"I can't wait until our roadtrip."

"Me either."


	9. peace

"How about one night then? One day and one night there." There was little to be arguing about as Shane was already driving them both to Connecticut. Ryan was finally free of his cane, but Shane still wanted to play it safe and offered to drive the entire way there.

"All of this driving for only that?" Shane sighed. The constant highway was making him grow weary, and he was glad they were almost there. 

Ryan pouted: "Don't be rude. At least I have been enjoying this roadtrip so far."

"That's true," Shane chuckled, "I've really missed being able to just go out and do these with you... even if it involves a hellish amount of driving for me." Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Can't drop it, can you?" There was a bit of silence between them, as some country song filtered softly through the speakers from the radio station, intensifying the hazy sunlight in the car and the atmosphere around them. It was growing late and the heat wouldn't be as intense outside, but within the car the temperature was comfortably warm. "I've really missed being with you like this too."

"Aw shucks, you're too sweet," Shane joked, punching Ryan's shoulder gently with his free arm yet keeping his eyes on the road. Ryan laughed softly, yet it only came out as a few accented breaths.

Shane glanced out of the corner of his eye at him and grinned. His friend hadn't looked at him when he had said that, yet was rather staring out at the road in front of him. The sunlight from outside was reflected on his face and down his nose and through his hair. He would fiddle with the camera on his lap, waiting to be at his use once they arrived to their destination. Then they would still, and his breathing be the only force to move him other than the car swaying every once in a while to change directions or lanes. He seemed happy - tranquil.

The sun on his skin reflected from the windows evened out the warmth Shane felt inside just glancing at Ryan ever so often. It was almost as if his mood was contagious. What Shane would do to capture that moment, if not by camera. Too bad he was driving. 

"Hey, did you know," Shane spoke up, pointing at the cliff beside them, "Up there is our destination."

"What?"

"You can't see it, but it's right up there. We have to go around though." Ryan was right; you couldn't see anything yet. It just seemed like some wall of rock and greenery amidst the city beside the expressway. It was funny how something so wild and forgotten sat right in the middle of the busy and bustling city. 

"We're almost there," Ryan mumbled, shifting up a bit. He had been dozing on and off during the day in the car, and was ready to go exploring at last.

"On the Google Maps Street View, it looks like the park is actually locked off from the rest of the road - just the road gate though," Shane commented, turning off the expressway. "Aren't you glad we got that tent?"

"Yeah, yeah," he waved off, shaking his head.

"Come on, it was the smallest one that wasn't a one-person. We didn't go camping for Bigfoot, but we should start doing more camping things for these videos. It'll be fun."

"Shane."

"Yeah?"

"We know next to nothing about camping."

"My dad took me out backwoods camping like... probably at least twice when I was a spry young'un."

"And who did all the planning and actual camping?" Ryan seemed to know he won the argument as Shane made various noises of contemplation, thinking of a response. He turned the car into a smaller neighborhood street. 

"Touche."

"Exactly. But... to be fair... we can start off small and get better as we go."

"Learn over our mistakes," Shane joked.

"I don't know how many mistakes that will be," Ryan laughed along with him. "This is a pretty old neighborhood. The houses are either kind of run down or just classic layouts. The greenery is nice though I guess."

"Maybe the neighborhood is running down slowly with the park."  _Almost like a disease, in a way._  As they drove further uphill, they could both almost sense the park approaching, as if it had its very own atmosphere. Most of that was probably from the knowledge of where they were going and that they were almost there; or at least in Shane's more rational-based point of view. 

As they were nearing the top of the neighborhood, the road turned beside a cliff that was fenced off. Just over the cliff was what appeared as a forest, multiple houses dotting and peeking up in between trees. At the top of the hill was a brick red arch, to which Shane's GPS indicated was their destination. 

"The nuns are probably in that building over there," Ryan pointed to the little white buildings with crosses on them on the other side of the road, "Should we park down the hill a bit and walk up with all of our stuff?"

"Sounds like a plan," Shane muttered, turning the car around and trying to find a good place to park. Once found, they got out brought all of their stuff out, heaving hiking-worthy backpacks onto their backs. Locking up, they started trekking up to the park, going around the locked gate and down the road within the park itself. 

Ryan already had the camera on as soon as they were approaching the first brick arch, and agreed that Shane would take the camera later. They didn't speak much as they approached the actual park itself, the only sound being their shoes crunching against the cracked road, the wilderness around it growing in every crevice.  

"Welcome to the Holy Land," Shane gestured at the 2 arches they were nearing, turning and walking backwards for the camera. "It's really overgrown. You can barely see anything right now - just trees." He stepped foreword to take the camera from Ryan before they continued to explore the park.

"We should probably eventually find somewhere obscure to set up camp."

They migrated over to where more tiny buildings and houses lay, filming their eerie state of ruin. A partially barred cave sat in the middle of all the buildings, its hollowness slightly creepy. Ryan crouched down and ran his fingers gently over a cracked stone at its feet.

" _Every day is Christmas._  That's what it says."

"Would you imagine that. That would be wonderful."

"It would be very nice."

"Considering how commercialized Christmas is, however, everyone would be extremely broke."

"But then Christmas would lose its commercialism if Christmas was every day." 

"Consumerism will be defeated! At last!"

"The religious prospect would remain the same." Ryan stood up to go investigate the cave while Shane continued to laugh a bit about his own spiel on consumerism. They went on to more of the sites, Ryan taking out his phone to take some of his own pictures. Ryan then began to tell the origin story of the amusement park itself, the explanation not even taking that long for all of its history.

"So the park isn't even that haunted?" Shane questioned behind the camera. The shot wobbled a bit as he climbed up a little bit of a hill, sticks crunching underneath him.

"No, it may not even be haunted at all."

"Then why even come explore this place?"

"We've always wanted to do an abandoned amusement park-"

"And why this one-?"

"And this one is a pretty small yet good start for the first time we go out after my accident."

"You have a point. But why this on your haunted places blog?"

"I can take a different approach if I want to."

"... More spiritual, huh."

"Exactly."

They went between paint-peeling and caving in structures, Shane pointing out a good spot they could return to set up camp once they were finished. They went on to the rest of the park, passing quotes engraved in large colourful stones, and three wooden crosses abandoned at the top of the hill. 

Deciding that they had explored enough, they went back down to where Shane had pointed out they could set up their tent but still be relatively obscured by plants from the main path. Ryan brought out sandwiches from his backpack, and they sat down as the evening set in to have their supper. The camera was still rolling by their feet, at a dramatic angle showing them and the trees behind their heads.

"Usually even something like this would seem eerie to you. Any old house does, honestly," Shane remarked between bites of his meal. "And not this?"

"Well, first off, we know the history behind it-"

"Alright, and it's not  _that_  horrifying, other than the one girl." 

"Yes, but I also feel a lot calmer. There's something calming about this place." 

Shane raised his eyebrows: "So is this some sort of reverse ghost? Maybe we've encountered the Holy Ghost."

"Possibly. We can go somewhere scarier next time if you want to."

"You're not even going to get scared anymore though, are you." Ryan had nothing to respond, as he finished his sandwich off without replying. He eventually did reply, but only after opening a beer and taking a sip.

"I guess not. There's nothing to be scared of anymore."

"You really have changed."

"Sometimes I wonder what I was so scared of. Spirits cannot do that much harm in actuality." 

"See?" Shane chuckled, taking a beer for himself, "I still don't believe you on the whole ghost thing yet though."

" _Yet_ ," Ryan pointed out, and Shane rolled his eyes.

"Well, even if these ghosts do try and do ya any harm, I promise I'll protect you," he winked, almost forgetting about the camera. Ryan glanced away shyly, laughing a bit into his drink.

"That'll really make you believe."

"Are you going to be the one provoking them now?"

"Maybe..." he trailed off mysteriously. 

They commenced to talk into the night as it grew darker, surprisingly quick. They had begun to add layers on themselves as they could not set up a fire where they were, staying outside and watching the setting around them morph as the sun set. One by one, they saw stars twinkle, appearing across the darkened sky.

"Aren't they beauties," Shane gestured up and around the entire sky with his beer.

"There's already so many... I wonder what the sky would be like without all this light... in the middle of the country. There's pretty much none in LA."

"Well, we still get quite a bit here. Waterbury is about..." Shane counted on his fingers and muttered under his breath, "... 2.5% the size of LA. So I'd suspect there would be a lot less light pollution. You can see galaxies out in the country though."

"We should go out to the country one day. We don't have to camp - we could just sleep in the car - but just to watch the stars and be-"

"One with the wilderness?"

"Away from civilization, I guess," Ryan laughed.

"I'd like that. We should plan a day. As soon as we get home, of course."

"Or on the way back." Ryan was fiddling with the camera now. They had turned it off a while ago, so he was just flipping through the settings. He angled the camera upwards a few times, but constantly brought it back down to fiddle with more settings. 

"We should bring a telescope out there too. Never know: you might find your aliens." 

Shane gestured to be passed the camera, to which Ryan obliged. He played with a few settings before pointing the camera up to the sky, somehow managing to get enough light to photograph some of the stars that were visible. After a few shots, he lowered the angle a bit to capture a few photos of Ryan sitting across from him, staring at the stars above him or the wilderness in front of him.

"Do you have enough camera juice for filming tomorrow?" Ryan's attention snapped back to his friend at Shane's question. Shane was shutting off the camera and putting it away.

"I have a whole other battery, but we still shouldn't waste the battery we have. Spirits like to drain batteries."

"We should get into beddie bye then. Get a good night's rest. Wake up nice and early in the morning."

The two dragged their remaining possessions into the 2-person tent they had set up, rolling out their sleeping bags and finally curling up to sleep.

"It's really cool how you can just hear all the nature and birds around you... and then the cars in the distance. The cars sound so far away," Ryan mumbled sleepily, shifting to be more comfortable in his spot. 

"That's what it's like sleeping outside, Ryan. Now do please try and go to sleep. I'm actually tired."

"As always."

"I just want as good as a rest as I can get on top of this tree root."

"I thought we checked for roots underneath. I said I'd take the root side."

"I'm kidding. Now go to sleep."

"Alright."

Shane turned out to be not as tired as he thought. He stayed in a sleepy haze for a bit, listening to the city and park around him. He could hear Ryan's breathing - which was already pretty close to him - soften and even, and hear his whole body still as he fell asleep. Shane was almost completely sure he was asleep when he scooted just a few inches closer to him, brushing his hair out of his eyes as he slept. Ryan still didn't move. He could have just played it off as a bug anyways. 

"You know," Shane whispered, so gently that he barely even heard himself, "Maybe I still do love you the way you are now."

He ended up drifting asleep finally, nuzzling his head between them. The one thing he didn't notice was when Ryan's eyes lifted slowly, scanning his friends face lazily before closing again, the corners of his mouth tugging up into a smile.

* * *

Shane woke up alone. Pleasant morning light was filtering into the tent through a crack in the entrance, and morning birds sang around their little camp. The only thing he didn't hear outside was Ryan.

Rolling over, Shane reached for his glasses first, letting himself wake up a bit more before moving. Standing up, he kicked his sleeping bag away and slipped on his shoes as quickly as he could, trudging out of the tent.

There was still no sign of Ryan anywhere, but the one thing he did notice was on a rock where they had been stargazing the night before was a tupperware and a juice box. The tupperware had a blueberry muffin in it and a piece of tape on the lid with the words  _'Breakfast'_  scrawled on it.  Grateful, Shane took the muffin out of the tupperware and the juice box before circling the tent in search of Ryan.

He found Ryan relatively nearby, yet perched on the edge of a tall object that looked as if it could crumble at any moment. His back was facing Shane, but he could tell he was up there because of the view and the tranquility. 

"Oi, Ryan," Ryan searched for Shane's voice, "You should come down from there."

"Why?" He turned his head back out to where he had been gazing at before.

"It's dangerous." Shane wandered up towards him, eating his breakfast.

"I like it up here."

"It's dangerous."

"So?"

"It's dangerous."

"And why has that ever mattered before?"

"... It's dangerous and unnecessary. You should come down."

"Why?"

"Because I really care about you." ... "And I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

Ryan turned his head back to stare at Shane for a bit. The cool breeze didn't sway him in his stance.

"What's fun about life without a little bit of risk. Come and join me."

"How is it going to support both of our weight?"

"Trust me. You'll trust me this time, won't you?"

They stared at each other for a bit longer before Shane moved to climb up to where he was. Ryan went back to watching the scenery in front of him.

"You really do have a great view from up here."

"Do you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

"The peace."

"Not really."

"Meditate."

Shane set down his breakfast on his legs, resting his arms down and trying to clear his head of any thoughts. The rest of the day didn't matter, only the moment right now with Ryan beside him and all the birds and wind in the trees and cars. The early morning sunlight warmed him and made him happier.

"I can feel it now."

"This is as close as I can get to... back then."

"When you died?"

"When I died."

"... It's nice."

"It's nicer now."

"Hmm?"

"Because I'm here with you."

They turned simultaneously, keeping each other locked in eye contact. Together, they could feel each other's happiness and peace, swelling inside each of their chests as their breaths rose and fell. 

Looking back out, they could feel their hands crawling towards each other. It's not like they had that far to go, as they were already sitting so close together. Their fingers did not hesitate or retract at each other's touch, and continued to lace each other's fingers together and squeeze tightly.

Ryan's hand was warm. And it was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that its probably because i was listening to wish you were here (pink floyd) on repeat lmao
> 
> i have a few things planned so keep your eyes out, but especially a big one once true crime starts. unfortunately, august is later than i thought but oh well.


	10. Bright

The entire car still smelled like the Burger King they had a few hours ago. Shane and Ryan could barely tell since it had been like this the entire roadtrip, which had already extended over the past few days just to drive across the country and back.

"The mountains are actually really nice at night," Ryan commented, staring out of his passenger side window. Shane hummed back in agreement, lazily watching the dark road pass in front of them. Ryan slurped his soft drink from the Burger King loudly. "Nice change of scenery from all those fields."

"Is it 10 already?"

"Yeah. Are we near a town yet?"

"Mmm, not really. The nearest one is still a few miles, and we'd have to go off main course."

"Are you sure you're not too tired? I've said this before and I'll say it again but I'll drive if you want me to."

"I'm fine... seriously." Shane glanced over at Ryan and smiled at him sincerely. "Plus, we can do something a little different tonight. We're someplace cool, so why not do something special?"

"Like what?"

"You'll see."

"... You're not thinking of camping out here in the middle of the Rockies, are you...?"

"Er..."

"Shane... we're  _nowhere near_  prepared... we only have a  _tent_..."

"And that's all we need," Shane shrugged, "We're only sleeping out here and driving out in the morning."

"... As long as nothing bad happens."

"Nothing will. Trust me."

Shane started slowing down on the mountainside road, pulling over off the road beside a cliff where a little space was made for sightseeing. He stopped the car and made a move to get out.

"Why did you stop here? It's not safe to sleep here," Ryan mumbled uncertainly, getting out of the car nevertheless.

"We're not sleeping here, idiot. And since when have you been concerned about safety?"

"Since I've had to be worrying over you."

Shane walked over to the cliff where some large, flat rocks were sitting just a few feet from the edge. Keeping a hand on the rock, he shuffled around to sit on it so he could face the view just over the cliff. He beckoned Ryan over to come and sit beside him. Ryan tugged on his sweater hood before following his footsteps.

"Chilly on top of this mountain, huh," Shane said, gripping onto Ryan's hands as he led him around the rock.

"We're not on top of it, it shouldn't be that cold."

"It's also nighttime."

"True."

"Wow, isn't this just magnificent," Shane sighed. He subtly slipped an arm around Ryan's waist, pulling him closer and partially out of concern of the cliff being so close.

He wasn't wrong. The cliff edge turned steep less than a yard away from their toes, and rolled down to a bunch of pine trees a few hundred feet down. This view gave them access to a few mountains directly in front of them, and the entire sky above and around them. There was no sound other than the wind in the trees and a trickling waterfall nearby, as the road wasn't a very busy one this time of night.

The sky was really what made the scene completely breathtaking. It made the two men forget about the dangers of the cliff in front of them and how the cold just barely made their skin prickle. There was just about no light pollution, and the sky was almost perfectly clear.

The moon shone round and high in the sky, its details easily outlined. And the stars, oh the stars. There were tens of millions,  _hundreds of millions_  of tiny pinpricks of lights in the sky - some twinkling and the few planets not. Not only were there more stars than they could possibly imagine, but once they let their eyes focus to the light, they could see the Milky Way painted across the sky in front of them.

"It's so beautiful," Ryan gaped, leaning his head on Shane's shoulder.

"What are the chances of us getting abducted by aliens right here and now?" Shane murmured, almost whispered near Ryan's ear. Ryan laughed a little, turning his head towards his shoulder.

"Don't be ridiculous," he huffed, "But you know very well the chances of there being life by at least one of those stars."

"Hmmm? Then what about ghosts? Demons? Do you think there's any haunted places near here?"

"Definitely."

"Not scared though, huh. I haven't heard you comment about the dark forest behind us yet."

Ryan shrugged: "Only demons are the scary ones I guess."

"Huh?" Shane lifted himself off him to be able to look at his face. "You're still scared of demons?"

"Yeah." He made eye contact with Shane. "If I'm killed,  _whatever_. If a demon gets me, I'm dragged down to hell for an eternity.  _Yes_ , I'm scared of them."

"You're so selfish," Shane mumbled, leaning back against him. "I don't want you to die again. What if the ghosts get  _me_? I don't care, but I don't want you to go through the same thing I almost had to." Ryan was silent for a while, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater.  A car passed quickly behind them.

"Whatever," Shane sighed, "As long as you're safe."

"Hey, Shane?" His voice was hushed.

"Yeah?"

"Can... can I kiss you?"

"Hm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"... Yeah."

...

"Ryan?"

"Hm?"

"You're cute."

"And you're gorgeous."

"You got me there."

"Hmhm."

...

"Stop rubbing your fingers like that Shane, you're tickling me. I'll move away."

"Is that why you were squirming-? No wait, I'll stop... is this better?"

"Yeah."

...

"Can I say something that may or may not ruin the moment?"

"Try me."

"You still kinda taste like you had Burger King."

They broke apart just enough to stare at each others eyes and burst out into laughter.

"Damn, and I thought the gum I had earlier worked," Shane shook his head, stretching his legs out.

"That's partially why I said that."

"Well can I say something that may ruin the mood even further?"

"Why not?" Ryan giggled, leaning against Shane.

"I'm pretty sure I saw Bigfoot come and watch us make out under the stars from those trees down there."

"You big liar," Ryan poked his side repeatedly, "And we were  _not_  making out just yet."

"Do you wanna?" Shane leaned in closer, nuzzling Ryan's cheek teasingly.

"Maybe when we set up camp... you still have to find us somewhere to sleep."

"All right," Shane resigned, standing up and assisting Ryan around and behind the rock they were sitting on with him.

"Hey, look! Shane! Did you see that?"

"The meteor?"

" _Shooting star_ , try and be a romantic."

"Yeah I saw it."

"Quick, make a wish."

...

"What did you wish for?" Shane eyed Ryan, who still had his eyes shut.

"What did you?" He opened his eyes and stared directly at Shane.

...

"Don't kiss me to avoid answering."

"Oh wow, my wish already happened. That was quick."

"Shane... try and take it a little more seriously..."

"What? It came true though."

"... Make a better wish when it's 11:11 then."

"You're so superstitious. I can't believe I have such a superstitious boyfriend."

"..."

"... I can call you my boyfriend... right?"

"Only if you let me call you my boyfriend."

"Deal."

...

"I love you."

"Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i go back and edit? definitely. will i remember? who knows lol
> 
> thank you guys so much for sticking with me on this one, even though this last chapter is so late rip
> 
> ive been promising a new fic for true crime, and that's still on its way yall. keep your eyes out for mercy in the tags soon ;)

**Author's Note:**

> probably a side project who knows not me for sure
> 
> OH ALSO im also on the wattpad side of this fandom because there are a lot more fics there (reason why i went back to my wattpad account lol), and in case you want to read these (they are actually all p well done i really like them) i have a reading list on my wattpad [UniversalSatan](https://www.wattpad.com/user/UniversalSatan) you can find here in case you're interested  
> which you can find [here](https://www.wattpad.com/list/473601914-shyan-masterlist) :^)
> 
>    
> [my buzzfeed unsolved tumblr (for content)](https://unsolvedbs.tumblr.com/)  
> [my tumblr](http://universalsatan.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> [writing blog for updates? maybe?](http://celestialberries.tumblr.com/)


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